I do not know what to do about language. Even though I’m writing this book; even though my medium is words.
I've been wrestling with how to translate Gathering Voices into a 2-sentence synopsis. Recently, it involves saying "young adults raised by gay parents". But I'm increasingly dissatisfied with this one-liner.
First) our parents are not only 'gay'.
Second) Why so much emphasis on our parents, when really this is about us?
Gay has felt like the best place holder. But our parents identify as lesbian, bisexual, gay, straight, formerly lez, dyke, person-loving, queer, transgender, and many other things, and very often, none of these things. So gay isn't really good enough; and Gathering Voices is so deeply not about the easy words.
Should I change the language to: Oral histories of young adults raised by LGBTQ+ parents?
LGBTQ+ seems most accurate, and most just. It calls everyone in, instead of excluding people with sloppy language. But it feels academic and stilted.
Should I change it to: Oral histories of young adults raised in queer families?
We may call our families queer, but our parents by and large do not. My mom is much more likely to call herself a dyke than she is to call herself queer. When I first came home with the word queer, feeling it crisp and perfect in my mouth, she looked horrified and asked me if it was alright to say that word in public.
It comes down to this: I am frustrated.
The words we use to describe ourselves, and which the world uses to describe us, feel like translations. We say "family" and know what we mean. We say "parents" and know what we mean. Adding in queer and gay and LGBTQ+ is a translation so that our families are understood by those not in them.
They are single words – “trans” “lesbian” “gay” “bisexual” “queer” – that represent whole sets of experiences. On the one hand, they contain multitudes. On the other, they confine. Just a word, just enough room for us to have something to call ourselves by.
It somersaults my brain that in order to explain Gathering Voices - a project which in its very essence and form is about the disruption of the single-word-identity - I have to choose the identifiers that make this work legible.
But.
I will admit that as a queer person (who calls myself queer/lez/bi/*nothing* interchangeably) raised by lesbian moms (who call themselves gay), I sometimes forget that identity words are important. I forget it is a privilege to say ‘gay parents’ and assume that the people I’m talking to know it’s easy short-hand for a reality much more complex and beautiful.
I’m going to start using LGBTQ+, because it does its best at holding us all. For now. And I'm going to put some intention into remembering the power of the identity words. We are queer families, and I for one think that's pretty damn cool. And important. And worth proclaiming - with words. What do you think?